Sunday, 5 December 2010

Self Asesment Preasessment

Tomorrow is assessment, big panic for most, however I am not in a panic. Why? Well that’s simple, I know I haven’t done all the work but even if I had done all the work, I have not done enough work. I realised this as I was painting with acrylics a few days ago. I paint like a child.

Why do I paint like a child in acrylics? Simple, I have not progressed with painting, since I was a child, which was the last time I had used them. I’ve decided that I have to paint atleast once a day, I’ve been quite happily painting in my kitchen while I make my dinner of days. Making an acceptation for it, even though I have a lot of other work, Ive found a weak spot and am trying to correct it.

Wait, why haven’t I progressed with painting since than? Simple, I haven’t done any since than. Thus, like a capsule of the past, I haven’t grown from when I was a child. It’s quite humbling and rather charming, I also feel the same when I see an adult draw like a child. Its not that they can’t draw, its because they haven’t drawn. I’ve also asked why I haven’t become a better artist since last year, the answer is obvious. There is no reason why I should not not the artist I want to be yet. But yet I am not half the artist I want to be. It seems to always be just out of reach, I always question why. But the obvious is usally the hardest to see. Its like your nose, its always there, you can always see it, but at the same time you don’t, your mind blocks it out.

Why havn’t I done all the work? Just the same as everyone else who hasn’t, a lack of devotion to becoming the artist I want to be, not to the course. In a sense the course is just a boat, where as I have to swim to where I want to be, the boat can only take me so far. Distractions are easy and offer an empty reward. Where as studying is hard and offers reward in the future. I’m a patient person, I like waiting for that reward as I know It will be sweeter than any other. But Im weak and there for opt for distraction. That’s why I havnt done as much work as I should.
The only real option for me is to rid myself of all distraction. I’ve been socialising a fair bit, which may have added to my lack of progress. Im not saying its bad that I’ve socialised, I was once a very bitter, depressed person, still being so, but a lot more relaxed about it, it was a good thing. Maybe I should have balance the two better. I don’t really care for playing games or listening to music, so why do I? Im not huge on going out and parties, so why do I? Why should I do things I don’t like? My work isn’t where I want it to be, so what am I going to do?

I digi-paint alot of things by my desk. Its just easier than moving my pc.

I shouldn’t have taken this long for me to realise what I had to do. The fucking work. And than some more.
Im going to do more than what is simply asked of me and its going to count.
After all, its what I want and its what I have to do to get it. I'll stop being a little pussy and take it. The only good quality I have is when I say I'll do something, I do it.

1 comment:

  1. What about doing the blogs too?

    Just a thought :)